Behold, Connery the Sexual!

He is going to F you in your A. Then he's going to rob you.

The above photo was a publicity still from a 1978 unreleased movie called “Pongoh The Magnificent”, a rip roaring, futuristic yarn about a highly sexualized space pirate caught up in a battle to save the universe.
Connery played the title role of Pongoh, a sort of anti-hero who falls into this quest to recover not only the “Cunty Box” – a mythic crystal with enough virginal power to restore peace – but also Queen Thangdangle, a whoring green alien with five titties and a huge dick who literally sucks anything that can manufacture semen, even herself.

Connery is preparing to be sucked.

Released in the wake of of Star Wars, many studios were eager to cash in on the sudden space/sci-fi craze, and little known Clitease Films was no different. The England based studio essentially sunk everything into their shot at glory: “Pongoh The Magnificent”, and the title turned out to be prophecy. The movie was a magnificent failure.
It was so horribly received that the movie studio failed without ever having produced or released anything else, and Connery had to go into exile in Toledo, Ohio for two years. And of course, the movie was never released, although completed, and was relegated to word of mouth before enjoying somewhat of a cult-status-reprieve with the advent of VHS.

A teaser poster for a movie that never was.

Connery took the role, reportedly, because he was eager to play a Han Solo type character, and in interviews following the film’s failure Connery said that early drafts of the screenplay were vastly different from what ended up on screen.
Budgeted at a then whopping $30 million, Connery said he was originally pitched the story of a samurai-esque character, living in exile on a distant Tatooine like planet, who has a shot at redemption when the chance to save the galaxy arrives at his doorstep.
He was surprised, then, when his first day of shooting required him to share a series of indistinct growls and whistles with three cat-wookie-like characters with huge erections and a penchant for looming over Pongoh’s bed and jacking off while a hot disco beat plays in the background.
Madness pretty much ensued from there, and before he even had a chance to break his contract, Connery was decked out in the kind of outfits you see above, flying a Cadillac El-Dorado style spaceship, fucking a green tranny alien and saying lines of dialogue like, “If we can somehow tickle his asshole, we can escape this tractor beam!”

He's about to F some corpses in the A.

Suffice it to say, the movie was a miraculous disaster, and was widely blamed for the type of attitude about sexuality that would lead to the AIDS crisis of the 1980’s.
I would recommend seeing it, not only for its nearly indescribable late 70’s insanity, but also for the director’s DVD commentary, where he shares such nuggets as: the production spent more on cocaine than wardrobe, Connery refused to eat anything except Butterfingers for a week and the entire crew considered having a real orgy instead of just simulating one for the film’s shoot-out finale.
Also, he waxes poetic on the sheer masculinity of Connery from time to time, usually to great and comic effect. During the scene in which Queen Thangdangle and Pongoh are about to make love for the first time the director says, “She was really, really looking forward to getting raped by Sean Connery.”

 

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