Hide yo kids, hide yo wife … cuz Kevin Bacon is rapin’ everybody out here!

He literally wants to F you in your A.

There’s a strong possibility that if you are co-starring in a movie with Kevin Bacon, you will be raped, beaten, robbed, pimped out, made addicted to drugs or emotionally abused in some fashion by the guy. Hell, he may even use a combination of those things just because he’s sick and twisted and he gets his kicks that way.

Bacon has been in a shit load of movies between 1978 and 2011. And don’t get me wrong, many of those flicks are enjoyable, maybe a few are even classics. 

But there’s no denying that a large number of the roles that Bacon plays are dedicated to a darker side, one that involves causing harm, sometimes great harm, to his fellow human beings. 

He’s prolific, no doubt. And I think he’s a pretty great actor. But there’s something else going on with Kevin Bacon, something bubbling just below the surface of the man that’s not only dark, but also depraved and violent. He doesn’t just want to rape you, he wants to beat you first, and then rob you after. Maybe take a dump on you.  

Its amazing that Kyra Sedgewick is still alive, when I stop and think about it. Because it would be hard for a man who plays villain after villain NOT to bring his work home with him on some nights. And I have no doubt that every once in a while Kyra will turn to her husband in the wee morning hours, stare at his sleeping figure and wonder just how many bodies are buried in the foundation of the garage, or the backyard, or digesting in his stomach.

His first movie was a bit part in National Lampoon’s Animal House, but his real depravity didn’t ramp up until nine years later. He sprinkled some normal roles in there, some heroes, some regular Joes who go about their daily lives, pay taxes, raise a family. 

But every other year, every other movie, Bacon unleashes some new twisted piece of his psyche, and if you look at his body of work, you will see what I mean. 

White Water Summer, 1987: Bacon plays a wilderness guide that leads a group of kids on a risky mountain hike. While he does not rape these kids, he spends the entire movie berating and demeaning poor little Sean Astin with what I guess are supposed to be valuable life lessons. 

Criminal Law, 1989: a serial killer that’s acquitted of his heinous crimes, Bacon would apparently go on to inspire real life serial killers Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka

Flatliners, 1990: only a former bully in this movie, Bacon has to visit the land of the undead to realize how much of a bastard he was as a kid. 

JFK, 1991: a gay hustler who acts as a whore for several of the key members of the team that assassinated John F. Kennedy, Bacon’s depravity would greatly alter the future history of this nation.

The River Wild, 1994: Bacon plays a sly criminal who tricks Meryl Streep into taking him on a river adventure but intends on killing Streep and her family. Its unknown if he wants to rape Streep, but she does flirt with him and he would likely do it if he has the chance. 

Murder in the First, 1995: this one is tough because Bacon technically plays a criminal, but he’s imprisoned for life on some trumped-up charges. However, during his incarceration he spends three years in confinement, loses his mind and shits and pisses himself constantly. I also think he GETS raped in this movie, which would make sense, because of his need to feel his own wrath.

Sleepers, 1996: Oh man, this is where it really gets going. Bacon plays the guard at a, sort of, state run prison for boys, and he spends YEARS, literally years, raping and beating a group of boys that would grow up to be Brad Pitt, Jason Patric and Billy Crudup. They seek revenge and kill him, but not before he’s ruined their lives and their buttholes. 

Telling Lies In America, 1997: A DJ with a penchant for taking bribes to get songs on the radio, this coming of age story was written by Joe Eszterhas, based on his own life. Eszterhas would grow up to write things like Basic Instinct, Showgirls and Sliver, all of which Kevin Bacon is responsible for. 

Wild Things, 1998: he shows hid dick in this movie. 

Hollow Man, 2000: a scientist who becomes twisted by his own creation that turns him invisible, the first thing he does with his newfound power is to rape his neighbor. Who says science isn’t good for something?

Trapped, 2002: a kidnapper and all around bad guy, Bacon spends large chunks of the movie trying to decide whether or not he should rape Charlize Theron. This might be one Bacon performance I agree with. 

The Woodsman, 2004: a culmination of his raping efforts, Bacon plays a newly released pedophile that tries to distance himself from those molester years after a long prison stint. Of course, his true nature gets he best of him and he goes on a crazy rampage where he just rapes children in broad daylight. He is eventually killed in downtown LA after a violent machine gun battle with Al Pacino.

Where the Truth Lies, 2005: Bacon plays one half of a Lewis and Martin style comedy team that enjoyed fame in the 50’s and 60’s. Sounds pretty normal, right? Nope. He’s actually a bi-sexual dope fiend that murders a girl during a drug fueled threesome with Colin Firth. 

X-men: First Class, 2011: Bacon reportedly took the role of evil Sebastian Shaw because he thought the character’s mutant power was the ability to rape anything, animals included, at will. Despite his disappointment when he discovered this was not the case, he resigned himself to playing both a Nazi and an evil mutant who can absorb other mutant powers at will. Keeping with the revisionist history of the film, Bacon pushed hard for the Nazis to actually win WWII, but producers gave him a submarine with a special rape chamber instead.

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2 Responses to Hide yo kids, hide yo wife … cuz Kevin Bacon is rapin’ everybody out here!

  1. FedeKnowsBest says:

    You know … I just finished watchin Trapped and it’s about 12:30am. I looked up Kevin Bacon, because I thought he looked pretty hot in the movie despite the outfits. But let me keep it real: Kevin doesn’t decide whether or not to rape the people in the movie, the writer does (because of course he wrote the story) and the director makes it happen, but Kevin is the one who picks the role he is in (because of course he auditions for it) and those roles often involve being
    ‘The Bad Guy’ so I agree with you on that one. But he’s still one of the greatest actors.

  2. Yes, he is great. But that’s part of his power. He seduces his audience, then he lays his vengeance down. Its a sickness, no doubt.

    Thanks for the comment!

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